gypsysoulseeker

I know I should post more, and I really thought I would. I tend to hold everything in when there are a lot of changes in my life. I need to learn to use this as an outlet.

Anyway, the past three weeks have been a time of loss and change for me. All for the better but still every period of growth comes with some pain.
My daughter moved in with my son and his wife. They are just in the next town over and she is 20 years old now but it was still difficult seeing her room empty. she went away to college so I was used to her not being around, but she still came home and her room was as she left it. At first staring at the empty space made me very sad. It so signified that my role as a mother was changing in a major way. Now I am mothering from the sidelines and I will only know what is going on in my kids' lives by what they choose to share with me.
In some ways it is a relief of sorts, but in other ways it is a difficult transition.
After I got over the initial shock of her actually being gone, I became excited on what to do with her room. I have never had my own space. Now I have visions of a craft/temple room where I can actually set up my sewing machine and have a comfy chair for reading and meditating....have some quiet time for me. A room that no one is supposed to be in...no one moving my things around...everything as I left it.

Most of you who will read this know I live with the love of my life, Bodhi. We have started the process of transforming the house we share. It started with the garage where we had stored all the stuff from my 18 year marriage and my kids stuff, including every toy and various car parts from a Camaro my son was going to rebuild as a teenager, to all of Bodhi's possessions from when he gave up his apartment and moved in here. It is an oversized two car garage and it was packed full. We cleaned it out and got rid of all the junk, and all the things no longer usable.
Going through all the things I had held on to was quite a process of letting go. Very bittersweet. Remembering the kids at certain ages, the toys they just had to have, the bikes that they rode everywhere...even reminders that my marriage, as badly as it ended, had some very good times.
We are in the process of going through the rest of the house as well. Most of the stuff in the house is mine to go through. Time to weed it out and get rid of the dead weight. I am ready for this, but it still pains me somewhat.
The most recent loss I have suffered is Tipper, my daughter's beagle/german shepherd, that has lived here for 6 years has moved into my son't house as well. They kept her last weekend while we were in Columbus and told me when we got back that they wanted her to stay, they didn't want to bring her home. It is the best thing for Tipper. They have a black lab puppy so she will have doggie companionship while everyone is at work, plus my son and daughter love her to pieces and play with her, take her for walks. With our long work hours here, she wasn't getting the attention she deserved and wanted. She is a very social dog and loves to be around people.
Still, I miss her. More so than I thought I would. Especially this morning....it's the first Saturday morning I have spent alone.
I know that it is the best thing for her, and my daughter, and my son....I am just feeling a little selfishly sad and missing the days when all three of them were living here.

A good friend called to invite us to their wedding/handfasting on Beltaine. They've been living together for as long as I've known them (years now), and have suddenly decided to make it legal.
This makes four legal declarations of love in as many months this year. And I am not sure why it has me bummed out.

It was a typical Monday at work. Lots of mail and not enough time. Plus I was tired. I don't sleep well around the full moon. I have very restless energy..wake up a lot. Scattered thoughts, and lots of emotion.

I am trying to stay focused on the positives in my life. Trying to manifest some positive changes...operate from a place of love and happiness. It's hard some days to maintain a positive attitude when I work in such a negative environment.

I had a great time at the Psychic Festival on Saturday. I ran into a lot of friends I haven't seen in a while. Made me feel reconnected in the Pagan Community. I came home feeling great. Plus it was good to spend the day with the 3 friends I took with me. It feels like I am moving in a positive direction Spiritually.

Hopefully I'll be able to sleep...

So after months of hearing about Live Journal and repeated pleas from friends to start one...I finally did.

My life is going fairly well for the moment. No real problems in my personal life, thanks be to Spirit. I am embarking on a new adventure in my Spiritual life which has me excited and a little intimidated all at once.

This seems to be the year of weddings though. lol My son was married February 14. I had mixed feelings about it. I thought they were too young, he is 22 and she is 19, but my son reminded me that when I was his age I had already been married for 4 years and had two children. He had a good point.
I found out that my first real girlfriend got married last Monday. She met G and moved to Columbus over a year ago, and now they have made it legal. More mixed feelings. I am totally happy for her...this was what she wanted, a husband and the chance to have children. I am a little sad that I wasn't enough for her at the time we were together. I know totally selfish and vain on my part.
And another good friend and former girlfriend is planning her wedding as well. I lost another one to a good man...lol. I am totally happy for her and wish them both the best.
I do miss having a girlfriend. A lot.

There's my first entry. I have lots to learn about this process. Bear with me.